[Enter
Surrender]
I didn’t cry yesterday (May 2nd), I was strong on the sure road towards recovery and healing. Today on the other hand (May 3rd) the tears were rolling down my face. I didn’t feel defeated, crying actually felt good. Being sad for a straight month wears on you. I cannot rush the process of grieving anymore than I can rush this process of healing. Some days are better than others; I told y’all this was going to be an emotional roller coaster ride. Much of my practice as a Sangoma has shown me about complete surrender.
Complete surrender, it even states in the Bible, that you must completely surrender your burdens and worries unto the Lord. This is the lesson I am struggling to apply to date. Mom mother instilled a sense of determination and independence in me. She used to say, ‘you cannot count on anyone, so only count on yourself, and as long as you do you will not be let down.” As a child, I always asked questions, and so when she made mention that I was not to trust anyone, I used to ask her, ‘but I can trust you mom, right?” “Yes, of course” she’d answer, but “I’m not always going to be here Sarah”; she’d say. I never believed her; I never thought she wouldn’t be here. I don’t think I even knew what that meant. I believed we would grow old together and raise our Yorkies after my children left me with an empty nest. But alas, she is gone. And in plain English, it sucks so bad man!
Today I needed my mom, I needed to vent, I needed her help; so I called her. Hearing the empty rings, for some reason I wondered/hoped she would answer, I wished that maybe this last month was a huge nightmare, a movie or a dream. I cried as the rings went unanswered, then someone picked up, my Aunty. I was stunned at first, and blabbering so I could barely speak. I could talk to my mother about anything; she could talk to me about anything. We had a very real and open relationship, so whenever I called her, I was always ready to let my guard down and be real. Even when I called my deceased mother today, I was going to leave a really real message. But instead my auntie’s friendly voice answered. Maybe not exactly lucky for her but, I was grateful that it was an aunt that I felt comfortable with, because without warning my realness was unleashed. I cried to her, and she received my state as well as she could.
The beauty of this was that she helped me through my situation today, my prayers were answered. I reached for my mother and although physically she was not there, she helped me, she helped me through my aunt and uncle’s grace. As I watched my prayers become reality before my eyes, I remembered how I felt during my training in South Africa. I completely surrendered during training, I didn’t know when I went to South Africa if I would graduate I just knew that I had to trust. I didn’t know where money would come from for the tests and rituals I had to complete, so that I could in fact graduate. I worried at first and I fought the process. I cried everyday for my children, I wondered if the decisions that I made were sound, every second I wondered if my babies were okay. I often wanted to pack up everything and go home, quit and pretend like my gifts didn’t exist again. Then one cold breezy day (yes it gets cold in South Africa) I was drawn outside, I began a deep mediation and focused on one outcome, my success. I sat silently and listened to my breath, then I began to listen to the wind, and it spoke loud and clear. I didn’t receive any definite words, but after my session I felt this intense sense of determination to finish this final portion of my process. I felt content that my children were with their father and their grandmother, they were fine. My focus was staying in the present and mastering every skill taught to me, and passing every test given to me.
This blog post, ‘the Surrender’ reminds me to return to this place of complete surrender when I feel helpless. When the universe is pushing me to go one way and I want to go to the next, I remind myself to stop and really listen. The answers are always right in front of my face, speaking loud and clear, I just don’t want to listen when it’s not exactly the outcome I want. Sometimes it means being humble, or making a sacrifice. I have to remember it is not all about me.
Ironic isn’t; many people would label me as selfish for completing my spiritual practice in South Africa. But here’s the thing, spirituality can seem selfish but in essence it is quite selfless.
In South Africa I heard stories of women and men who were called so furiously that they left their families (even babies) and began their process. In our custom working for God and your ancestors is mandatory if you are called, and not answering the call is not an option. Westerners today unless familiar will not understand what I have just written. It will be easy for them to look at is a cult, or something bad. But it is not, and quite frankly it would solve a world of problems if more people would answer their true calling rather than running away from it, and sticking to the norm. The norm is making people crazy. Trying to ignore the gifts God has given you is what is making our people mad. We must accept that if God has given you a voice you must use it and preach, sing, write or otherwise. If God has allowed you to understand the human body you must heal it.
We all must answer our true calling and doing so is not selfish instead it is in an effort to help balance ourselves, and the world. I implore readers on this hemisphere to do some research with an open mind, and come to learn that much of what we consider ancient and primitive is actually spot on when it comes to bringing peace and balance into our lives again. Yoga, meditation, drinking plant teas (for common ailments), walking, child-wearing, breastfeeding, the list goes on, and future blogs will go more in depth on them. Once you find your purpose and commit to living your purpose, it will take a period of adjustment. Depending on what it is many people may look at you like you have gone crazy. But is it really crazy to do what innately makes you happy? If more people were happy would there be as much disrespect, killing, rape and violence? If we all saw the good and Godly nature in our human counterparts, could we even think about ending
their lives?
I bid you peace and love on this night and the rest, truly appreciate each day as tomorrow is not promised.
*I will get more detailed about what I have touched on later, for now writing this is healing, doing research for specifics would be not so healing :p *
Love ya,
Gogo
Surrender]
I didn’t cry yesterday (May 2nd), I was strong on the sure road towards recovery and healing. Today on the other hand (May 3rd) the tears were rolling down my face. I didn’t feel defeated, crying actually felt good. Being sad for a straight month wears on you. I cannot rush the process of grieving anymore than I can rush this process of healing. Some days are better than others; I told y’all this was going to be an emotional roller coaster ride. Much of my practice as a Sangoma has shown me about complete surrender.
Complete surrender, it even states in the Bible, that you must completely surrender your burdens and worries unto the Lord. This is the lesson I am struggling to apply to date. Mom mother instilled a sense of determination and independence in me. She used to say, ‘you cannot count on anyone, so only count on yourself, and as long as you do you will not be let down.” As a child, I always asked questions, and so when she made mention that I was not to trust anyone, I used to ask her, ‘but I can trust you mom, right?” “Yes, of course” she’d answer, but “I’m not always going to be here Sarah”; she’d say. I never believed her; I never thought she wouldn’t be here. I don’t think I even knew what that meant. I believed we would grow old together and raise our Yorkies after my children left me with an empty nest. But alas, she is gone. And in plain English, it sucks so bad man!
Today I needed my mom, I needed to vent, I needed her help; so I called her. Hearing the empty rings, for some reason I wondered/hoped she would answer, I wished that maybe this last month was a huge nightmare, a movie or a dream. I cried as the rings went unanswered, then someone picked up, my Aunty. I was stunned at first, and blabbering so I could barely speak. I could talk to my mother about anything; she could talk to me about anything. We had a very real and open relationship, so whenever I called her, I was always ready to let my guard down and be real. Even when I called my deceased mother today, I was going to leave a really real message. But instead my auntie’s friendly voice answered. Maybe not exactly lucky for her but, I was grateful that it was an aunt that I felt comfortable with, because without warning my realness was unleashed. I cried to her, and she received my state as well as she could.
The beauty of this was that she helped me through my situation today, my prayers were answered. I reached for my mother and although physically she was not there, she helped me, she helped me through my aunt and uncle’s grace. As I watched my prayers become reality before my eyes, I remembered how I felt during my training in South Africa. I completely surrendered during training, I didn’t know when I went to South Africa if I would graduate I just knew that I had to trust. I didn’t know where money would come from for the tests and rituals I had to complete, so that I could in fact graduate. I worried at first and I fought the process. I cried everyday for my children, I wondered if the decisions that I made were sound, every second I wondered if my babies were okay. I often wanted to pack up everything and go home, quit and pretend like my gifts didn’t exist again. Then one cold breezy day (yes it gets cold in South Africa) I was drawn outside, I began a deep mediation and focused on one outcome, my success. I sat silently and listened to my breath, then I began to listen to the wind, and it spoke loud and clear. I didn’t receive any definite words, but after my session I felt this intense sense of determination to finish this final portion of my process. I felt content that my children were with their father and their grandmother, they were fine. My focus was staying in the present and mastering every skill taught to me, and passing every test given to me.
This blog post, ‘the Surrender’ reminds me to return to this place of complete surrender when I feel helpless. When the universe is pushing me to go one way and I want to go to the next, I remind myself to stop and really listen. The answers are always right in front of my face, speaking loud and clear, I just don’t want to listen when it’s not exactly the outcome I want. Sometimes it means being humble, or making a sacrifice. I have to remember it is not all about me.
Ironic isn’t; many people would label me as selfish for completing my spiritual practice in South Africa. But here’s the thing, spirituality can seem selfish but in essence it is quite selfless.
In South Africa I heard stories of women and men who were called so furiously that they left their families (even babies) and began their process. In our custom working for God and your ancestors is mandatory if you are called, and not answering the call is not an option. Westerners today unless familiar will not understand what I have just written. It will be easy for them to look at is a cult, or something bad. But it is not, and quite frankly it would solve a world of problems if more people would answer their true calling rather than running away from it, and sticking to the norm. The norm is making people crazy. Trying to ignore the gifts God has given you is what is making our people mad. We must accept that if God has given you a voice you must use it and preach, sing, write or otherwise. If God has allowed you to understand the human body you must heal it.
We all must answer our true calling and doing so is not selfish instead it is in an effort to help balance ourselves, and the world. I implore readers on this hemisphere to do some research with an open mind, and come to learn that much of what we consider ancient and primitive is actually spot on when it comes to bringing peace and balance into our lives again. Yoga, meditation, drinking plant teas (for common ailments), walking, child-wearing, breastfeeding, the list goes on, and future blogs will go more in depth on them. Once you find your purpose and commit to living your purpose, it will take a period of adjustment. Depending on what it is many people may look at you like you have gone crazy. But is it really crazy to do what innately makes you happy? If more people were happy would there be as much disrespect, killing, rape and violence? If we all saw the good and Godly nature in our human counterparts, could we even think about ending
their lives?
I bid you peace and love on this night and the rest, truly appreciate each day as tomorrow is not promised.
*I will get more detailed about what I have touched on later, for now writing this is healing, doing research for specifics would be not so healing :p *
Love ya,
Gogo