Relationships- Opinions & The Conversation
This entire month has been very reflective for me. I have been mainly reflecting on my relations with others. I have made some conclusions and affirmations. Check em’ out…..
Conclusion #1: My truth is not everyone’s truth therefore it is not fair to act like it is. My opinions are not everyone’s opinion and therefore it is not fair to act like they are.
Summary: I honor and adore realness. I appreciate a friend that can tell me that I have a ridiculous camel toe or that my feet are ashy. I appreciate and adore a stranger that is so moved by the song on their ipad that they just have to dance to it, no matter where they are. I love-love-love children and their fresh and unique perspective on life that is interpreted without filter.
Here’s the catch, not everyone is so accepting of everyone’s realness. Sometimes it makes them uncomfortable. Some people would rather you ignore the booger hanging from their nose than to point it out to them. Some children are scolded (sometimes harshly) for expressing themselves without regard to the ego of those receiving their message. This is where I have trouble.
I grew up watching my mother come home from a long days work tired. She was tired of the mental drain that some of her co-workers would apply during their daily interactions. I used to be so frustrated seeing her so frustrated and she would never say anything to her co-workers. I would say; “mom say something to that lady, she can’t think that she can continue acting this way in your presence and that you are just going to allow it”. She’d say; “Sarah you have to learn how to play the game.” “I’m not going to say anything and cause more disturbance, than the focus of our interactions will be on how I caused a rift in the workplace.” I saw this mentality as so unfortunate. But now I understand it; hence my conclusion #2.
Conclusion #2: Even if people do you wrong, they are right.
Summary: You can’t call an ass an ass these days or else you will become the ass.
Ego and authority have made it hard for ‘the real’ (or your opinion) to be revealed. Depending on your opinion, sometimes it is just there's just never an appropriate time to express it; whether in romantic, occupational or family relations. To ‘learn the game’ is to learn when and where to keep your mouth shut. The trick is to understand who is at the receiving end of your opinion, their current emotional state at the time you are going to express your opinion, and if your opinion will be received with the understanding that what is expressed is simply your perception, your point of view...of them.
Conclusion #3: People may seem open to your opinion at first, but after digestion they may become offended and turn on you.
Summary: Pick your battles and your words carefully. Some people may seem very open to receiving your message of ‘realness’. But if offends them or someone they know they will turn your opinion into unsolicited information that you had no right to permeate. Don’t say something you may regret, think about what you want to say and how it will be digested by the person you are telling it to. Put yourself into their shoes, how would you take your news?
Conclusion #4: If you must say what you have to say, find the sweetest way to say it.
Summary: Sometimes for your own sanity you must say what you have to say. For your own well being you must let YOUR truth be known. Allowing your emotions of unfilled expression to fester on your conscience is not acceptable. Allowing others to continuously express themselves in ways that make you uncomfortable is not acceptable. So what is the solution? Saying your realness as sweetly as possible. When you know your words may not be swallowed gracefully start by saying something nice, acknowledge the other persons' perspective and opinion. Acknowledging that you respect their position and honor their truth, is helpful for the receiver to lower their defenses; and finally ending with another statement of kindness.
The formula:
Nice Statement + Acknowledgment of their Opinion + Your Opinion + Kind Statement = True Expression & True Acceptance
Acknowledging the role of our egos in the exchange of our opinions is not an easy task, but one that makes the act of accepting, expressing, and receiving opinions less hostile.
Listening fully while in conversation is key. Not listening with a defensive ear either, rather listening and that’s it. We usually are listening and hanging unto words the sender is saying, we are getting our defense together in our head. Those of us with short term memory, interrupt so that we don’t forget our defense before it isn’t relevant. Interrupting is rude, and it sets the stage for hostility in an exchange of words.
Next time you are in a heated conversation, one that makes either you or your counterpart uncomfortable, try just listening. It is okay to pause after receiving your message. It is okay to think thoroughly about what you want to say before you say it. It is okay to breathe for a second and let the words digest. Being witty and cross in response to a message is not the objective in conversation. Coming to an understanding for yourself and your partner is. Walking away from the table with a sense of clarity and peace, that is what is important.
Now as for me, I am still a work in progress, I want to be sweet in my exchanges and honor and accept the perspectives of others. This is not going to be easy, but here goes…..
Love ya,
Gogo
This entire month has been very reflective for me. I have been mainly reflecting on my relations with others. I have made some conclusions and affirmations. Check em’ out…..
Conclusion #1: My truth is not everyone’s truth therefore it is not fair to act like it is. My opinions are not everyone’s opinion and therefore it is not fair to act like they are.
Summary: I honor and adore realness. I appreciate a friend that can tell me that I have a ridiculous camel toe or that my feet are ashy. I appreciate and adore a stranger that is so moved by the song on their ipad that they just have to dance to it, no matter where they are. I love-love-love children and their fresh and unique perspective on life that is interpreted without filter.
Here’s the catch, not everyone is so accepting of everyone’s realness. Sometimes it makes them uncomfortable. Some people would rather you ignore the booger hanging from their nose than to point it out to them. Some children are scolded (sometimes harshly) for expressing themselves without regard to the ego of those receiving their message. This is where I have trouble.
I grew up watching my mother come home from a long days work tired. She was tired of the mental drain that some of her co-workers would apply during their daily interactions. I used to be so frustrated seeing her so frustrated and she would never say anything to her co-workers. I would say; “mom say something to that lady, she can’t think that she can continue acting this way in your presence and that you are just going to allow it”. She’d say; “Sarah you have to learn how to play the game.” “I’m not going to say anything and cause more disturbance, than the focus of our interactions will be on how I caused a rift in the workplace.” I saw this mentality as so unfortunate. But now I understand it; hence my conclusion #2.
Conclusion #2: Even if people do you wrong, they are right.
Summary: You can’t call an ass an ass these days or else you will become the ass.
Ego and authority have made it hard for ‘the real’ (or your opinion) to be revealed. Depending on your opinion, sometimes it is just there's just never an appropriate time to express it; whether in romantic, occupational or family relations. To ‘learn the game’ is to learn when and where to keep your mouth shut. The trick is to understand who is at the receiving end of your opinion, their current emotional state at the time you are going to express your opinion, and if your opinion will be received with the understanding that what is expressed is simply your perception, your point of view...of them.
Conclusion #3: People may seem open to your opinion at first, but after digestion they may become offended and turn on you.
Summary: Pick your battles and your words carefully. Some people may seem very open to receiving your message of ‘realness’. But if offends them or someone they know they will turn your opinion into unsolicited information that you had no right to permeate. Don’t say something you may regret, think about what you want to say and how it will be digested by the person you are telling it to. Put yourself into their shoes, how would you take your news?
Conclusion #4: If you must say what you have to say, find the sweetest way to say it.
Summary: Sometimes for your own sanity you must say what you have to say. For your own well being you must let YOUR truth be known. Allowing your emotions of unfilled expression to fester on your conscience is not acceptable. Allowing others to continuously express themselves in ways that make you uncomfortable is not acceptable. So what is the solution? Saying your realness as sweetly as possible. When you know your words may not be swallowed gracefully start by saying something nice, acknowledge the other persons' perspective and opinion. Acknowledging that you respect their position and honor their truth, is helpful for the receiver to lower their defenses; and finally ending with another statement of kindness.
The formula:
Nice Statement + Acknowledgment of their Opinion + Your Opinion + Kind Statement = True Expression & True Acceptance
Acknowledging the role of our egos in the exchange of our opinions is not an easy task, but one that makes the act of accepting, expressing, and receiving opinions less hostile.
Listening fully while in conversation is key. Not listening with a defensive ear either, rather listening and that’s it. We usually are listening and hanging unto words the sender is saying, we are getting our defense together in our head. Those of us with short term memory, interrupt so that we don’t forget our defense before it isn’t relevant. Interrupting is rude, and it sets the stage for hostility in an exchange of words.
Next time you are in a heated conversation, one that makes either you or your counterpart uncomfortable, try just listening. It is okay to pause after receiving your message. It is okay to think thoroughly about what you want to say before you say it. It is okay to breathe for a second and let the words digest. Being witty and cross in response to a message is not the objective in conversation. Coming to an understanding for yourself and your partner is. Walking away from the table with a sense of clarity and peace, that is what is important.
Now as for me, I am still a work in progress, I want to be sweet in my exchanges and honor and accept the perspectives of others. This is not going to be easy, but here goes…..
Love ya,
Gogo