At the onset I had planned on updating this blog quite frequently, at least two to three times a week. Obviously I haven't lived up to my goal. Nonetheless, I have returned and have a few things in mind. This blog is entitled 'Digestion' as a means of understanding the process and journey I have gone through since I began this blog. My mother's death is what sparked my determination to connect with myself through writing and to also connect others to my understanding of grief. Although everyday is hard, I miss my mother immensely; I crave her voice, her suggestions and advice. I understand that death is apart of life, and I appreciate this space as a place reserved for allowing my mediations to flow. In these last three months I have experienced my mother's death through the eyes of others. Some of whom unfortunately were less than sympathetic. It is no secret that I was adopted. I was born in the Grand Cayman Islands, left at the hospital after birth and named Sarah by the nurses there. I was adopted a year after I entered into this realm by my mother....Lori. She was and is my mother, I know of no-one else. She fed me, bathed me, wiped away my tears, saw me off to college and was witness to my marriage. She is my mom. The longing I feel isn't just for the woman who adopted me when I was young, but rather for my MOM. That's it. I heard more than four times in relation to my mother's passing, 'well she wasn't your real mom was she?'; and 'oh I'm sorry about your mother, but you were adopted right?" While at a gathering for my job, I noticed a man who seemed so gone, so distraught, so distant. I asked a co-worker about him. She said well his grandmother just died, she was his life, she raised her as her own. I said wow, I can absolutely relate to how he is feeling right now. She said; "no, no you can't, you see her death was unexpected where as your mother was sick for a bit, and they were close, you were not close to your mother." After seeing the look on my face, she tried to back up her statement by stating; "well you know they lived together and that's his real grandmother'. Needless to say, my connections with this co-worker are very limited now. At my job, there are emails sent around for birthdays, wedding and birth announcements, and relative transition announcements. I didn't receive one. A few weeks after returning back to work after my mother's funeral, my boss' mother died. An announcement was made, cards were sent around and a collection was taken. I cannot say that I wasn't hurt. As if losing my mother wasn't enough, it felt like the knife in my heart kept getting deeper, repeatedly bumped by strangers passing by. I couldn't understand the logic. My mind was racing trying to figure out why. My thoughts consisted of,' I'm just not a nice enough person for others to care about my loss' to' maybe this is my karma'. It was definitely a hard time for me, and reliving it doesn't feel to good at this time. So I want to find the moral, share my understanding and move on. Ok to tell you the truth, I don't have a wonderful philosophical theory. I still feel like maybe it is because I am who I am. Maybe because I walk the way I walk and talk the way I talk. The way I relate and the way I interact. This feeling that the world should stop and relate to me was familiar, like after giving birth. I know it sounds selfish, but during these fragile times I felt like the only energy I should be receiving from others was sympathy and love, understanding and compassion. But that was not always the case. I do truly appreciate the love and heartfelt sympathy that I received, and it helped me to know that people were thinking of me and my family. Besides the love, the only thing that got me through was the time passing. I understood, that everyone relates differently to everything. Our expectations of what we feel people should do for us during these times is what often times causes us to have the humongous let downs that bring us to the point of self analysis and inspection. I find that I don't always rub people the right way. I long for truth and sometimes the truth hurts. So as it has been almost three months since my mother has passed, the biggest lesson I have learned is that life waits for no one, life just moves on. When I need to grieve now, I go into my own shell. This isn't happening as much as it used to but it still happens nonetheless. The biggest lesson I wish to teach my children is that life waits for no one, and you have to look out for yourself, you have to make sure you are secure, you have to make sure that you are okay. My mother tried to teach me this lesson but I could never understand it, she cared for me more than I cared for myself, she made sure I was secure and she had to know that my brother and I were okay before she was. Well now that she is gone, this lesson is finally being learned. No one loves you like yourself and if you don't love yourself you need to learn how to now. Understand your value, understand your purpose, understand that you are more able to take care of yourself than anyone else. Ahhh, what a ramble, but at least it is out, I have been holding on to these feelings and misunderstandings for awhile now, with this post, I relase them. I also thank and love all of those people who have comforted me through this. I am trying to heal everyday and your love and support helps that process. Blogs thus forth will be about internal healing in all types of ways that I feel are beneficial. Posts will also focus on the supernatural and the spiritual world that I enjoy to explore and understand as much as possible. And of course my random rambling :D Stay tuned, and stay true! (I'll also be doing some videos yay) Love ya, Gogo :) |